Seeing the Light
Jess Louisa is a Policy Analyst, certified Wellness Coach and an aspiring writer. She hopes to use her writing, coaching skills and experiences to help those who are suffering. Jess aims to embrace empathy, compassion, and faith to inspire hope and healing in others. She is a mother of a 5-year-old sweet German Shepherd, and partner to a very caring and loving man.
After two years spent healing my body from Lyme Disease and getting myself to a place where I could return to my job and leave an unhealthy family, I had done it. I did the impossible and healed from a terrible disease, allowing me to be financially independent again, and allowing freedom from an unhealthy - and at times abusive - family. I made it my first priority once I returned to my job in Ottawa to find a partner – whom I hoped would protect me and allow me to still see members of my family I cared for.
Over the following months, I met a wonderful man, Dylan. He invited me to join a recreational softball league with him. I was hesitant but I had a yearning to return to the active girl I was before Lyme. So, I agreed, even though I had little experience. I asked if I should buy a helmet but was told that no one wears them in slow-pitch rec league. I trusted this and so I went – playing softball under-protected. Then, one game, a pitcher threw a ball pretty hard and being the newbie I was – it took a bit for me to realize I wasn’t going to be able to hit the ball and that it was headed straight for my face. I quickly turned my face – but I didn’t move my head out of the way fast enough. The “soft” ball crashed into the back of my head.
I instantly dropped the bat and felt dizzy. Tears welled up in my eyes from the pain and I felt as if I were going to fall as I walked to the bench, shaking and swaying. The pitcher apologized, my partner comforted me, and I sat on the bench trying to appear tough – trying to hold back the tears. I never liked crying in front of others – especially my new partner and all of his friends. After sitting out the next five innings, I joined the last inning of the game and then went home with a localized headache where the ball had hit me.
I knew I should probably rest – but at the time, I didn’t think it was a concussion. I continued to work as a Policy Analyst on a screen for 8-9 hours a day. The headache wasn’t going away; it was getting worse. After months of fighting terrible pain in my head, I eventually experienced a full episode of memory loss. I couldn’t remember who I was working for, what I was working on, and who I was working with. I had a panic attack as I stared at my computer with a complete loss of what was happening and what I was even doing…
My partner comforted me, I took the rest of the afternoon off and slept in a dark room. Luckily, my memory returned the next day and I booked an appointment with a doctor. This was more than just a headache. Deep down, I knew it was a concussion – but I wanted to deny it; to push it away and continue working. I didn’t want to leave my job for fear of no pay and having to return home to a violent/unhealthy family. I also felt like a failure to have to go on medical leave again when I had just returned from Lyme.
The doctor I saw at a walk-in clinic referred me to a neurologist. After months of waiting, and as symptoms grew worse (light, screen sensitivity, sleep issues, vision issues), the neurologist continued to tell me my only problem was migraines and that it was completely unrelated to the softball incident, even though I had never had these issues prior to the softball incident.
At this point, I knew I needed to get away from screens 8-9 hours per day since it was making my symptoms worse. But I couldn’t do that without financial security and until I found a doctor who specializes in concussions. After a year and a half since my injury, I finally connected with the Toronto Concussion Clinic. What a blessing! I highly recommend them if you are dealing with a concussion and are living in the GTA.
After explaining my story and symptoms to the clinic, they diagnosed me with post-concussion syndrome. At this point, my symptoms now included dizziness, nausea, vision issues, screen and light intolerance, sleep issues, cognitive problems, and depression (uncontrollable sadness), to name a few. I had no idea concussions were so life-changing and to this day a part of me regrets not having purchased that helmet.
During all of this COVID had hit – forcing me to stare at screens even more than I was used to as all my work meetings and medical appointments had gone virtual. This was when my symptoms peaked. I also had glass stuck in my foot from a separate incident, so I could also barely walk. This was hindering my recovery – I couldn’t exercise on my feet. I had also lost three people in my extended family and a dog.
This was my darkest point. I couldn’t watch TV or distract myself on a screen from grieving the loss of my family members, my family dog, and past life. I kept getting refused by doctors to help with my foot and I couldn’t walk, play with my dog, or help with chores on my feet. My parents didn’t help support me and my sister was caught up in her wedding planning. I rarely heard from my family and was never offered their support - even though I had always offered my support and called to check in on them regularly. I watched as my sister would come by 2-3 times a week to the property I was living at with my parents, but never checked in or said hi – even after I would go to her house to offer her help with her baby and to say hi. No one in my family except for my partner chose to fully support and believe in me. I crumbled as my parents criticized my feelings and judged every decision I made. I feel so blessed to have my partner in my life, but we have felt very alone in our journey.
My two best friends had also moved overseas – so really the only person I felt supported by was my partner, Dylan. This created a lot of friction in our relationship. He became depressed. All I could do is pray – and pray I did. I prayed to angels and God three times a day to help me find a doctor to at least help with my foot – so I could exercise and recover my brain and help Dylan. I also continued to persist until I found people who advocated for me and my health and who were willing to help me.
Whether it was God who answered my prayers, or my perseverance – or both – it paid off and on July 15th, 2021 I had surgery to remove three pieces of glass from my foot. This was a miracle and life-changing for my recovery. It grew my faith in God/the universe. I started to shift my perspective from being depressed about all of the terrible things going on – to one of hope.
I continue to pray as much as I can every day and every day I see God/the Universe show up for me in different, but very meaningful and compassionate ways. In ways perhaps I would never have noticed if I was still looking at screens and scrolling through social media. While this concussion has brought literal darkness into my life in many ways (my partner and I live in candlelight at night now), it has also opened up a world full of light – light I don’t think I would have otherwise experienced.
This healing journey has helped me see the beautiful world we live in during an unprecedented epidemic of screen addiction, that I am detached from while I recover. I am more free to see the world in all of its beauty on walks while others stare at their phone. This pushed me to value quality time with loved ones and friends versus scrolling through social media to kill time. This concussion has allowed me to put more time into my favourite off-screen hobbies (dancing, singing, painting, writing, guitar, yoga and running/hiking). I have written my own songs on guitar and painted a full portfolio of paintings that bring me joy and I hope will bring joy to others one day.
This concussion has allowed me to focus more on my own life when my mental health needs it and has taught to not compare myself to others (e.g., by not being on screens/social media). This concussion has also clarified my healthy and supportive relationships where people care for me and believe in me, while also highlighting to me the unhealthier relationships. This concussion healing journey has also forced me to set healthy boundaries for myself and with others – something I previously preferred to avoid. It has helped me see the relationships I should continue to invest in, the relationships I should foster, and the relationships that feed my soul, spirit, body, and mind.
This concussion healing journey has also helped me to have faith in humanity again. It has shown me many compassionate, supportive and empathetic souls who sacrifice themselves in many ways for others. This was something I never had or saw in my life before my concussion – given my family had always been unsupportive and critical of me. It has also brought my partner and I closer and given us the wisdom to resolve our conflicts when they arise.
Finally, it taught me to be my own coach and advocate, and to surround myself with other people who believe in me and can coach me through my breakdowns. It taught me to not be ashamed or embarrassed of myself – even though I feel my parents feel that way of me. It taught me to push past negative people and to be proud of who I am, how strong I am, how far I have come in my recovery and of all the battles I have faced without their help.
If you or someone you know is suffering from post-concussion syndrome, I hope you are brave, persistent, and persevere through your battles. I hope that you believe in yourself – even when you feel no one else does. I truly believe God/the Universe believes in you. Be your own coach – believe in yourself and find others that believe in you too! Those that don’t believe in you will face their own battles one day. I’m not sure others who have not suffered from a concussion will ever fully understand – but there are people out there that will believe in you and that has been good enough to help get me through, and I hope it is for you too!
While not yet fully recovered from my concussion, I have made small improvements since working with the Toronto Concussion Clinic. I am aware of people that took upwards of 6 years to heal and so I have not lost hope. While I am in year 3 of my recovery and perhaps only halfway through it – I can honestly say I am happy to have faced such darkness, as it really does bring out the light (good) in my world and has made me so grateful for the things/accomplishments I have achieved along my healing journey. I hope you may also see the light in your journey and choose to never let go of hope. Things always change, healing takes time, effort and patience – but with perseverance, results await you and there is always light in the journey, you just have to look for it.
“Sometimes we’ve got to face the darkness, to step into the light again” - James Arthur
“Toughness is in the mind and spirit, not in the muscles” – Alex Karras
“Every problem has a solution” – Will Robinson, Lost in Space
“Airplanes take off facing the wind” – Henry Ford
Some things that have helped me cope:
Alexa device to play music, keep up with news, podcasts, messaging and calling people
Therapist (someone to talk to)
Projector (used instead of a monitor or laptop screen)
OnyX Tablet (front-lit tablet that allows you to use it like a phone)
Migralens glasses for when I have to be in artificial light
Yoga and breathing exercises
Diet and supplements (CBD and others)
My very sweet dog and friends
My partner – someone who believes in me and coaches me when I need it
Avoiding artificial lights and screens as much as possible
Exercising with music
Frequent walks in nature
Toronto Concussion Clinic